I write quite a lot on here about my mental health. This blog serves as an outlet, of sorts: a way for me to express how I’m feeling through the written word — the only way I’ve ever been able to express myself with any degree of clarity. When I’m feeling down, writing helps; it allows me to just talk, and sort things out in my head to make them not necessarily OK, but slightly more manageable, at best.
At the moment, my mental health is all over the place. Perhaps the best way to describe it is by using the analogy of a yoyo: one day I’m on top of the world, happy and full of energy of life. The next day — the next hour, sometimes —, I am on the ground, life knocked out of me, anxious, miserable and lonely. Honestly, it’s exhausting; truthfully, I would prefer to feel like shit all the time, rather than this strange and inconsistent mess of emotions that can change from minute to minute. I feel drained.
At the moment, I’m feeling down, the low-point of the yoyo. It’s strange, I suppose, because the logical part of my head can confidently explain away almost everything the more emotion-based part is feeling, if that makes sense. Everyone hates me — that’s how it feels, anyway. It’s triggered by the stupidest of things: someone not answering a message, for example, can send my head into a complete and utter state. Of course this is completely unjustifiable: people do shit with their lives, and can’t always reply to the clingy, needy friend right away. And besides, if everyone hated me, why am I going to parties, and making a whole new group of friends this summer who are both way too cool/nice to have anything to do with me, and yet who are also taking time out of their lives to see me?
Maybe it’s pity? Maybe they feel sorry for me. Maybe it’s because they want to. I don’t know — I just know that right now, it feels like I’m doing everything wrong, and consequently am hated by almost everyone out there.
At the moment, almost everything is making me feel irrationally anxious, from big things like GCSE exam results next week, to tiny things, like walking to the bus stop. It’s ridiculous, because I know in my head that I am beyond capable of doing whatever I set my mind to, one way or another, and that I have the ability to get through these things. But that doesn’t stop me from overthinking — and over panicking — about absolutely everything, no matter how crucial, no matter how small.
It’s always been in my nature to, essentially, get on with things. If it’s scary, or anything less than completely safe and pre-planned, I’d do it, because why not? But things change — people change —, but expectations don’t. Everyone still sees me as the out there teen I was, and to a degree, I am. On the days when I’m not feeling so brave, not feeling so out there, those expectations and pressures don’t change, or evolve with me; they stay set in stone, and so I feel trapped in a position where I’m doing things because people think I can, and I should, and I did. And I can’t always do them.
And then, there’s the future. I’m ditching my life at home to run off to college, study A levels and qualifications that I”m not even confident I can do, and then hope to go off to university, to study. Am I making the right choice? Is disappearing off across the country to pursue a vague and incomplete dream an acceptable thing to do, especially if you’re not even sure whether or not you’re able to do it? I feel like I’m making decisions about my life that I’m just not ready to make — maybe none of us are. I don’t know: it might work out OK, it might not.
I wonder if anyone can relate to any of this, or whether I really am going insane. Regardless, please know that I appreciate each and every one of you, on here, and online generally — you are the nicest, most accepting group of people I know, and I am so lucky to be a part of such a brilliant community.