Drunk Crying at Parties

Time to do some talking, I suppose. Ironic, how I’m so shit at actually talking, and yet put a keyboard in front of me, and I can type for hours, words flowing out of my brain and onto a screen. Sums up my generation, I suppose.

On Wednesday night, I went to a party. I’d been at work all day, spending my time in a London office for 5-6 hours, before heading straight off to a friend’s house, in order to get ready for said party. The journey was difficult enough; there had, extremely sadly, been a fatality on the railway, and London Waterloo ground to a rather undignified holt. Regardless, I made it to my friend’s house, where I got dressed, redressed and redressed once again; let’s admit it, I was terrified. When I’m anxious about an event — a party, for example —, I overthink my appearance endlessly. Maybe it’s because I think I can hide behind whatever I choose to wear, maybe it’s because I think first impressions are vital; it’s besides the point. We left, and drove the 20 minutes to the party.

Allow me to explain the situation I found myself in. I was going to a party, alongside one friend who I have known for around 8 years now. Besides the person whose party it was — who I have known only since December, and met in person just twice —, I knew no one else at the party. I was terrified: social occasions aren’t my forte at the best of times, but when I know just two people, they turn into a little bit of a nightmare experience for me. Alas, I wanted to go — strangely enough —, because the person whose party it was has been such a great friend over the last few months, and I appreciate them endlessly. We get on really well, and I didn’t want to miss this event.

Of course, everything turned out fine. As I walked in, Abba was playing on the speakers — a sure sign of a good night to come —, and a can of sider pressed into my hand (upon my acceptance, I should add). The night went on. I made new friends, laughed and stepped out of my comfort zone, and got a little too drunk. It was a warm evening in London, and the 30-or-so people at the party spread out around the house and the garden. It was, by all accounts, the perfect party, and an evening that I really enjoyed.

I found myself in a corner, behind the backdoor, just in the garden. I was sat on the ground; I remember how I got there literally, but have no clue as to why or what was going on. I remember telling the person whose party it was that, due to alcohol most likely, I wasn’t OK, and we went off and found an empty, quiet room to sit and talk.
I have never cried so much. It was 100% alcohol induced, but once I start talking, everything just comes out. I am having a bit of a crappy mental health period at the moment — they happen —, and I just cried, strung the occasional sad sentence together, and told him how I was so, so sorry. I meant it, as well.
This event, more than anything else, just showed me how lucky I am to have some amazingly lovely friends. My friend gave me the longest hug I think I’ve ever had, let me cry n him for over an hour, and was so supportive, calm and caring. I was scared — scared of talking, scared of saying something that would frighten him off, or make him think I am just pathetic, or weird. But he stayed, and made sure I was OK until I left, and I just don’t know how to repay him.

Honestly, since the party, and the hangover which followed, I’ve been feeling a bit shit. It’s like talking helped in the moment — it’s the first step to feeling better, I guess. But in the short term, it’s just brought all of the crappy feelings I used to know so well back up to the surface, and I don’t know how to deal with that right now. The friend has been so supportive, although I’m sure he’s sick of reading my messages — I just wish I could do something for him, to demonstrate that I really, really appreciate him. I’m sure I’ll come up with something soon enough. All the same, I’m feeling quite low at the moment, and struggling to stay positive.
Knowing that I have a friend, like this one, is comforting though. I’m lucky, in that respect, and although I have waves of absolute fear that, at some point, he will decide he hates me, or doesn’t care, I know in a logical sense that that won’t happen, for now anyway. Talking felt good, at the time, just letting a load of cooped-up shit out; I just need to work out how to keep that up, and make a long-term difference to my own mental health.

Kel XX

7 thoughts on “Drunk Crying at Parties

  1. Hey, I’m proud of you for opening up to your friend, even if it was alcohol-induced, it still counts! And I’m glad you have such a supportive friend to listen to and support you 🙂 I’m glad you shared this – I had a similar experience last week where I drunk more than I usually do in a bar on holiday with friends – not loads, I’m just not a big drinker – and afterwards I had a huge breakdown in the hostel dorm and it took nearly two hours for my poor friends to calm me down (I feel awful still because we were supposed to be going to a club and I ruined the evening). It was weird because I thought my mental health had been okay-ish?? But then as soon as I consumed alcohol, it all came flooding out and I’m still feeling very overwhelmed with all these feelings that I’d apparently been repressing and still can’t talk about because I’m scared no one understands. But I hope you’re okay, hang in there my friend and know that you are not alone in this!! The friends who hold you whilst you cry and don’t ask for explanations are the best kind of friends, and I’m sure your friend knows you’d do the same for them if the situation was reversed. Bottling up emotions is often a habit that has been built up for years so it will take a fair while to overcome, but you’ve opened up a little and that’s the first step. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such a lovely thoughtful comment. I hope your friends were as supportive. I was so angry at myself as it was his birthday party and I really didn’t want to ruin it for him; I’ve obviously said this to him after the matter. Crying felt good; I just don’t know how to handle everything now, now everything should be back to normal. Stay strong x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome 🙂 they were, I think they were quite worried as I couldn’t get the words out to explain what was wrong – or even think about what was wrong, it was a strange experience, I think it’s out me off drinking for a while. I get that, it’s hard but it’s not your fault and I’m sure he understands that, sometimes we feel overwhelmed at the most inconvenient moments. I’m glad it felt good, sometimes we need a release. I understand, I’m at a loss at how to tackle everything too, just got to remember to take each thing at a time and deal with it as best as you can. You too x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, I’m so proud of you for talking. I know it was really difficult but this is the first step 🙂 and drunken conversations can sometimes be the most constructive. I know you continue to talk, no matter how long it takes, and I’m incredibly proud of you. Don’t forget it 🙂 that friend sounds honestly like someone who is incredibly special and will continue to be here for you. Keep on going, love you lots XX

    Liked by 1 person

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