Collin & Doris, Uber for the Lazy, and Other Stories of My Week

Well, hello to you — old friend, old buddy, old pal. Good morning, afternoon, evening or, for the more rebellious amongst you, goodnight. Although, if it’s an appropriate time for me to be saying “goodnight” to you, then FFS go to sleep — after reading this, of course. But sleep, dude, please…

So, it’s that day again — 14th February, the dreaded, the hated… I can’t even bring myself to type its name; we’ll settle for V Day. I hope you had a lovely V Day with your partner, which I mean with as much bitterness and loathing as my shrivelled, broken heart can muster up on a Wednesday — why a Wednesday, I beg you? Honestly though, if you were spending V Day with a loved one (I guess you’re reading this afterwards, hence the past tense, although if reading my blog posts together is a romantic activity that you and your partner enjoy, then welcome), I hope you had an amazing day, and that your relationship doesn’t crash and burn tomorrow.

If, on the other hand, you’re like me — alone —, then know that you aren’t alone. I mean you are — I’m not in the wardrobe or anything —, but there are lots of us who are alone, which through simple logic makes us a group, or not alone. Yay — singles unite!!

I came up with a concept the other day; I thought I’d share it here. You know the phenomenon that is online dating? You know, swipe right, and all that other rubbish? (Seriously, there’re sites for everything —- even visually Impaired Singles; search it online if you don’t believe me.)

Anyway, so why don’t we just have sites, like Tinder, but for ‘singles’ who want to be, well, single? You know, like a dating site where the end goal isn’t a relationship, but a friendship? Basically, a site to find your next shoulder to cry on when you’ve consumed a bottle and a half of vodka on a Saturday night, subjected yourself to 2.5 hours of The X Factor India (because it was on and why not), and you’re just a bit lonely. We need this kind of website in our lives, i think, and I will be the one to start it (i.e forget until I’m 80 and then think “nah, CBA”).

Just for the record, another idea I had recently was connected to Uber, but not Uber. Let me pitch it to you:

Do you ever have these walks that you do, maybe every day or a few times a week, which are just a little bit too long to be enjoyable/manageable, but a bit too short to warrant a taxi or a lift? Well, why not try Kel’s next greatest idea: * Insert name here *?! Basically, * Insert Name Here * (trading as INH inc.) would allow you to send for an Uber, but start walking to your destination as well. Then, when the Uber gets to you, it’ll pick you up at the point where you’ve walked to so far, hence saving you money (as a shorter Uber ride = a lower fare), and giving you extra exercise, without wasting any time hanging around. Do you approve? I think it’s a great idea, and YOU DO TOO DON’T YOU?!?!

I made an important life decision last week: I installed a coffee machine in my bedroom. Yup, you heard me right: as if my coffee addiction wasn’t bad enough already, I decided to put a coffee machine, along with coffee pods, in my bedroom, almost within reach from my actual pillow. Collin — for all coffee machines are Collins inside — sits atop my desk, proudly overlooking the room. I do feel like he’s tempting me, though, subtly louring me towards the coffee, inviting me to pour ‘just one more cup’. In fairness, I’ve exercised quite a lot of self-control when it comes to Collin and his/my coffee; this is probably related to the fact that i am paying for the coffee, and it is bloody expensive let me tell you. Still, i think one — maximum two — per day is acceptable, nay normal. Collin lives next-door to Doris — Collin and Doris, ship name = Dollin.

Doris, in case you were concerned, is code name for Amazon’s Alexa. Alexa is wonderful — believe me, she’s ever so helpful when she feels like it —, but there is one flaw to her that Amazon must resolve: how do you talk about Alexa without talking to Alexa? Good job Kel’s on the case, right? Just call her Doris — problem solved!

In order to attempt to control my coffee addiction — I’m out now, out as an open coffee addict —, I’ve put in some protective measures. The primary one is actually connected to my Apple Watch, and it’s an app called Clicker. It is one of the most basic apps ever; you tap the single button, and the number displayed increases by one. I’m using it to keep a tab on how many cups of coffee I’m drinking, not per day, but just over time. The idea is that, once I reach like a month, I’ll see the number as I’m thinking about getting another cup of coffee and go “shit, I drink a lot; better not have another”. Whether it’ll work or not I don’t know, but it’s worth a try… we’re currently at 6 over 2 days.

Well, that’s my general life update — such fun! Sending you all hugs, and chocolate, because who doesn’t love chocolate?

If you hate chocolate, then have a cup of tea instead — not coffee, see, because I have self-restraint! (Plus, coffee is mine OK???)

Kel XX

9 thoughts on “Collin & Doris, Uber for the Lazy, and Other Stories of My Week

  1. Firstly, the old friend, old buddy, old pal was something you said to me in an email about six years ago and I’m almost crying. Also, you little child you and I were the ones that found that visually impaired single shit which still makes me cry again. Thank you for this glory of a post

    Liked by 1 person

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