I wrote this post a long, long time ago. The number of times I’ve read, re-read, deleted and re-written it is almost shamefully high, the finished article having a resemblance of a nonsensical mess of ideas, justifications and, to a degree, fears. So, I scrapped it, and started again. And here goes:
I have been running ‘Consider Yourself warned…’ for over two years now. In that time, I’ve shared some of the most personal aspects of my life – my thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams, fears and insecurities – with the Internet, with the odd story and awkward tale of teenage melodrama along the way. I have been so fortunate to be able to share all of this, and so much more, with such a caring, kind, lovely and supportive community, a group of strangers, who became people, who became friends. I hold each and every one of you close to my heart, grateful that in some capacity, you allow me to share a little piece of my world with you, and that you want to share part of your own story with me.
I was trying to decide upon one word – one emotion – that sums up how I feel about this blog, about this community, and how far we have all come. I settled upon PRIDE.
IN the least self-centred way possible, I’m proud of what I’ve created here, proud of the content and the confidence that I’ve gained. It’s almost laughable to think that, when I set up this blog, I was petrified of sharing my life with anyone on the Internet: what if I was ‘found’, or what if nobody liked me? It was almost wholy responsible for my anonymity, and the creation of my L identity, which has allowed me to express myself, both online and in the real world, in ways I’d never imagined having the self-belief to achieve.
I’m proud to call each and every one of you amazing individuals my friends: every time I read one of your posts, check-in with you on Twitter or read a comment, a snippet from your life, I feel proud at what you’ve achieved. It doesn’t feel distant, or detached; I feel a part of it all, like your successes are mine,and your smiles are shared amongst us all.
I’m proud that I have stayed true, and that I write honestly here still, sharing things that I either can’t or won’t with the people around me on a day-to-day basis. It’s done wonders for me as an individual, and has made me realise that there are others out there, just like me, sharing snapshots from their lives in the hopes that someone will click with it, or help it all make sense.
So, I suppose this all leads me onto what I’m actually here to say. It’s funny, because I’m actually feeling a bit scared; my hands are shaking somewhat as I write these words, rambling through sentences until the one I dread to write rolls around. It’s illogical: the words I write now are private until I choose for them not to be. Usually, I’d edit them beyond recognition, but when I started rewriting this post tonight, I decided that besides editing for the sake of good English, I wasn’t going to change the words that flowed from my brain, to my hands, to the screen in front of me. Some things are easier to say on first try, rather than editing them, unintentially removing their meaning and sincerity in the process.
Attempt 1: I’ve decided that it’s time to reveal myself. (Right OK that sounds perverted.)
Attempt 2: I’ve decided that it’s time to stop hiding. (Not that I’m, like, under your bed … QUICK LOOK BEHIND YOU I’M HERE HIII! Also why did I say ‘under your bed’? I sound perverted again damnit.)
Final Attempt: My name is Kelsey Trevett. (Yup, that should do it.)
Shit that feels weird. Again, even without publishing this, I’m both smiling, and feeling tears roll down my cheeks. It feels so strange to draw a line under this section of not only my blog, but my life too. But it’s what I want to do: I want to lay credit to my blog, to make it mine, and to make the world around me and the world online come together into something whole, rather than two disjointed hemispheres – I had a maths exam today, don’t blame me.
Volume of a sphere = fine let’s be honest I’m never really going to know this one / who really cares anyway?
I’ve been slowly building up to this on Twitter; it was only a matter of time, really. First, I posted pictures of myself, then changing my Twitter name to Kel. Not too revealing, but still taking steps — baby steps — out from the welcome shadow that anonymity has cast over me, as I’ve settled into blogging, and into first my 15th, then 16th, and now 17th year of life; to think I’m 17-years-old at the end of this year is truly crazy.
So, yeah. This sort of feels like re-introducing myself, but it’s not: it’s the same old me. This isn’t goodbye from L, or hello From Kelsey – although we go by Kel, if that’s alright with you –, but merely… nothing. It’s not a new book, or even a new page; see it as a new paragraph, if you like, the next topic of the story, with a newly-identified protagonist. I’m still me, don’t worry; we’re still going to laugh and cry together, to share smiles and sarcastic jokes; we’re still going to talk about deep stuff, and also about llamas, because who doesn’t love llamas?
FACT: Did you know that the biological name for a llama is the Llama glama? HOW GREAT IS THAT?!
So, there you have it. Jeez I’m awful at ending posts at the best of times. Have a nice day, or night, or some time between the two – dusk or dawn or something along those lines. And if you’re on Mars, then welcome, and what’s the WiFi like up there?
I’m going now…