I’m Scared of How I Don’t Feel

~ Kel

Believe it or not, I don’t want to be writing this post; honestly, I don’t. I’d much rather be sat here, writing a humourous post about New Year, and all the strange things people do when the clock strikes 12 and one year finally morphs into the next. I want to write happy things, like how I always tell myself that this year will be the year I get a decent night’s sleep on the night of the new year, or how I’m going to do brilliant things this year, and how I’m going to be a better person.
But I can’t. I can’t, because I don’t feel that way. I don’t feel smiley on the inside, and how can I smile on the outside whilst my insides are so numb?

I was at a party on Thursday night. Parties usually stress me out, both before and during the event itself, and often after when I overthink every word I uttered that night, and wondering how many more people hate me now, compared to just 3 or 4 hours before. This party, hosted by one of my best friends, was not too dissimilar – especially the over-analysing afterwards. Admittedly, I got pretty drunk – unapologetically so –, but with intention and purpose.
For the last few months, I’ve felt one thing, almost constantly, without relief or escape. I feel numb, dead inside, like I’ve been sapped of whatever it is that makes you feel, that makes you smile or cry or laugh with any meaning or feeling behind it. It’s like I’m never truly living in the moment, because there’s nothing for me to get a hold on, to wrap myself up in, and so I’m always just there, but not really. I feel detatched, out of reality, like everything that happens to me is happening to someone else – someone I’m merely watching –, and their smiles aren’t mine, and their tears mean nothing to me because I’m not them and they’re not me.
Alcohol, at the very least, made me do something – anyting. Sure, I acted like a twat, and ended up doing a lot of things, and saying a lot of things, which made me hate myself the next morning, but I felt something. I felt involved, and the alcohol made it possible to almost push the numbness down, to subdue it somewhat, just for a little, and replace it with the fuzzy reality of alcohol. Feelings still didn’t connect with me, but at least with being drunk, there’s a reason, and explanation, an excuse. I told my friend that I just wanted to drink enough to cry, and in fairness that wasn’t a lie, but I knew that what I really wanted – to cry, and to feel something, anyting at all – was never going to happen. And so I kept drinking, because once I say I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it, until my head hurt and I couldn’t form coherent sentences and I forgot about the numbness because that’s how it’s meant to feel.

What’s the point in living if I’m not living? I don’t feel, I’m just there, in my little hole of nothingness, feeling nothing. It’s terrifying, because I don’t understand why I feel like this, and it’s so difficult to explain. How do you describe the feeling of feeling nothing at all? How do you describe something that just isn’t there? I know that alcohol isn’t the answer, and I know I can’t let it become so.

My confidence is lacking at the minute, too. I spent the whole of Friday, after the party, writing, deleting and rewriting messages, saying how sorry I was about being an idiot the night before. Little things I’d said – throw-away comments, I suspect – ran circles around my screwed-up brain, telling me what a shitty person I am, how I shouldn’t say anything because it just makes people hate me more. I spoke to someone for too long, when they probably didn’t want to talk to me; I gave someone a hug, who probably didn’t want a hug from me; I laughed at a joke, when I probably wasn’t wanted there at all.
As of late, I’ve had an increasing number of days where a text message conversation is the most difficult it’s ever been, because I read and re-read every text I send, and re-write it time and time again until words lose their meaning and I give up. And all the time, I’m looking – almost obsessionally – for clues in people’s messages, or the way they speak, or the time they take to reply. Clues that they hate me, clues that they’d rather not be talking to me, or that they have better things to do, better people to talk to than me.

At the party, there were a lot of people I had never met before. All of them were lovely, although I’m scared that I did or said things that made them dislike me. One of the boys from the party messaged me the day after, saying that it had been ‘lovely to meet’ the night before. It was a lovely thing for him to do, and we’ve been talking on Messenger over the weekend. I’m trying desperately not to say anyting weird, or to say anything that might make him dislike me. I’m scared to reply to his messages if it’s significantly later/after the time that he sent them, in case I’m disturbing him, or he doesn’t want to speak to me. I just don’t want to lose someone else who, for now, seems to be getting on with this messed-up excuse of a teenager with a broken brain.

Usually, a good cry, a cup of tea and a book is enough to make me feel better – in that moment, not for any prolonged amount of time. Having a temporary solution at least makes things clearer in my mind, which usually helps in the long-run. But what’s the point in crying, to let out the worry and sadness, when the tears feel meaningless, symbolising nothing but the detachment I feel from them, and the isolation I feel from everything. Losing yourself in a book is all about absorbing yourself in a new world, a different place, but I can’t replace the emotions I feel with someone else’s when I can’t even find my own.

I wish I wasn’t writing this post. I wish I could feel something – anyting –, because even gut-wrenching sadness would be better than feeling nothing. It would, at the very least, make me feel like I’m living, rather than just being.

L XX

36 thoughts on “I’m Scared of How I Don’t Feel”

  2. I relate to this on some level – sometimes I get this feeling out of nowhere where my insides kinda ache and something feels a bit out of place but it’s hard to put a finger on it. All I can say is, whatever it is, you can get through it. And it’s gonna suck but there will be so many times that will make it all worthwhile. I hope you have a wonderful 2018 because you deserve it!

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  3. I relate to this. I felt like this for the majority of last year (one hour into 2018😂) and it fucking sucked. I wish I had advice for you, but I’m rather helpless on this front. I’m planning to fix this side of me and this feeling of no feeling I get this new year, maybe we should both attempt that together?
    It’ll be hard, but we never know unless we try.
    This probably wasn’t of much use and I’m sorry if it wasn’t helpful but I’m here if you need L. Honestly I could tell something was bugging you today, you weren’t your usual self. I was planning to send you a DM tomorrow (well today but you know what I mean).
    I’m rambling because it’s late and I’m exhusted but what I’m trying to say is that I get you and I’m here for you.
    Happy New year’s xx

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    1. Thank you Jas. I appreciate you, and I appreciate this. I’m a mess, and have been for a while, but things change — you’re right. It’s almost impossible for me to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, because all I can see ahead is, for want of a better word, shit.
      Love you X

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      1. No problem at all❤❤ I most definitely understand that, and it will be hard to change that mindset. When you’ve been thinking that way for that long, it feels impossible to think anything different. But trust me with time, the shit at the end of the tunnel will slowly start to clear up and you’ll start to see the light. Weird sentence, but you get me (hopefully).
        It’ll get better, trust me🙂xxx
        Happy New Year❤

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  4. Aww L

    First off, Happy New Year.

    Second guessing ourselves isn’t exactly something new, because we want to be accepted, know that we are loved. I was feeling the same a while ago, but with someone in particular, and he told me what I’m going to tell you. Fuck what every person thinks. Including the person you’re trying to impress.

    You’ll try to be your best self and there’s no harm in that, but if you’re doing something and someone thinks you’re shit for doing that without trying to talk to you and understand how you’re feeling or why you did whatever you did, then fuck what they think.

    As you know, alcohol wouldn’t help. Only in making you feel much worse after 😉

    Take care honey.

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    1. That’s a very good friend you have. You’re right, I know, but knowing something to be true and acting upon that knowledge are two ends of the spectrum.
      Happy new year — thank you, and lots of love x

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      1. True. I legit tell myself that what they think don’t matter, but then it does. I know it does when I do things and think of a hundred ways they might take it, but I’m slowly beginning to understand that we all try to be accepted. Including the people we are trying to impress. We all want to be loved for who we are, so at the end of the day, we are all the same.

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  5. I may not be the best at giving advice, but I will say this in the hope that it might help a little because you are a wonderful person who deserves so much happiness. Feeling numb is one of the worst feelings and I’m so sorry you having to experience it, however, this doesn’t change who you are or who you will grow to be – all the emotions you have ever felt before are still as much a part of you as your daft sense of humour 😜! Your feelings are still there, captured in your memories and they will be part of all the new memories you will make. Sometimes our brains are too clouded with thoughts to take notice of how we’re feeling, rather than what we’re thinking, and it may take time to get through the fog and there will be obstacles in the way, but you will overcome the numbness and you will be stronger because of it in the knowledge that whatever you go through, you can always find your way back to yourself. I can relate a lot to the overthinking friendships thing lately – it’s hard when your brain starts to unravel friendships and pick everything apart. Sometimes you just have to stop and take a moment to think about all the moments and memories that show your friends care about you. I can assure you that there are many people within the blogging community who really do value you as the amazing friend you are, and I’m sure that corresponds with real life too! You are a truly wonderful person, y’know, and you DO have the power to be able to feel again. *Sending positive thoughts your way* (and appologies for being awful at giving advice 😂) Take care xx

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  6. This is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. At the moment, there is no clear goal in life or motivation to do anything, so I’m just existing, but not living. It’s really tough, especially because of all the expectations, but I just feel like why am I here if I’m not doing anything meaningful? I feel like a spec of dust, I guess, that someone needs to wipe away. And i feel like i’m not really here to anyone. I hope you know that, to your readers of this blog, you are someone wonderful and we love what you write. If you ever want to talk to anyone, you can always message me on twitter or something 🙂 i understand what nothingness feels like and it’s been affecting my blog posts recently actually, they’ve not been quality really, just me getting my thoughts out i guess… I hope your year is spectacular, because you’re spectacular so you deserve a year that is too 😊

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    1. The fact you can relate makes me somehow calmer. I appreciate you, and I too am always online whenever you need someone. I’m by far the shittiest friend, but I promise I try. X

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  7. I know how you feel, 2017 has been so shitty, and it’s impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s as if all my goals I had just went out the window, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball forever.
    I hope everything works itself out for you this year, you really deserve it xx ❤

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  9. Pingback: Midnight Musings | Consider Yourself Warned…

  10. It is four days into 2018 and I think so far that I have cried every night about either college, my job or just anxiety- i also haven’t been sleeping well which doesn’t help at all… But anyway, that feeling of nothingness you were talking about? I know it well and I also know for a fact that going to a party when you’re not in the mood and drinking on top is an awful mix! It makes you feel so much worse about yourself as you have just explained. I felt this feeling all day long after my afterprom, like i wanted to be sick and claw out the empty feeling in my stomach and my face hurt from crying and frowning. I also felt it the entire week after my grandad had died and am kind of glad- although not celebrating you also experience this- that I am not alone with this feeling. I joked today with my friends that my new year’s resolution was trying not to kill myself but it was only half of a joke. I could never do it to my family but it doesn’t stop me thinking. There is so much to live for though and if you just keep getting through a day at a time, taking a breath and just telling yourslf you can manage another day, it will get easier.
    I hope this helps and if not, gives you some solace that you’re not alone x

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  11. Disassociation. I get it too. It usually happens as a symptom of other mental illnesses but can be it’s own disorder. I’d talk to someone about how you’re feeling because it’s very common and very treatable. If you ever need to ground yourself in a pinch, run some cold-and I mean ice cold-water over your hands. Splash some on your face. It’ll bring you back to yourself. I wish you the best of luck and I’m sending a virtual “I promise it’ll be okay” hug your way.
    -Dani

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  12. As I write this comment I’m crying because I’ve never read anything I relate to more. When you feel hollow and not even that, like you’re so worthless that there’s no point, like you are utterly apart from everything – it’s soul crushing.

    I want to tell you something. I love you – and I hope you know that. Nobody there hated you and everyone knew what a beautiful person I thought you were. I respect you and every time I’m with you it reminds me a little more of why I’m human. You are vibrant, full of life – and i know you don’t feel like that right now, that you haven’t felt like that possibly ever, and that’s why I want to say this:

    Don’t hide this, not to the people you love. We care about you and wouldn’t judge you for feeling separated from everything even when logically, it’d seem you weren’t.

    I’m sorry I can’t do much to help but anytime you want to talk, any time at ALL, I’m here. I’ll remain here because you are one of the best friends I could ever have. feeling like this is horrible and draining because you wonder why and so I will be here for you, even when you don’t want me there.

    I love you xx

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