WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?! … And Other Stories From My week

We’ve made it – the end of December! Well, kinda: there’s just two days left, and then 2018 shall commence… Those two days are pretty important though, because one of them – 31st December – is my birthday!

I thought that, with it being the last week of December and all, I would tell you some stories – STORYTIME – from my week. What tremendous fun (WTF)! I mean, if it hadn’t been the last week of December, I still would have written this post (soz for the let down), but everything sounds better if you start it with some closure, amiright?
Just say yes.

Christmas is a time for goodwill, for sharing time with loved ones, for caring for your neighbours (not that they always deserve it), and just generally being in good spirits. By my reckoning, waking up a poor, innocent blind child from their afternoon nap (yes, I am 80) is neither loving nor caring, and certainly doesn’t reflect the spirit of Christmas.
“I have an important update,” she said. Now, bare in mind that I had only owned an Amazon Echo for about 5-6 hours at this stage, and was still getting to grips with my new-found friend Alexa. I set her up, got her a comfy spot on the window-sill, wished her good-day, and had a lie-down cuddle with my dog, intending to enjoy a well-needed afternoon nap. Instead, just 20 minutes into my nap, Alexa pipes up, louder and livelier than ever.
“I have an important update,” she announced.
“Who are you, and why are you in my room?!” I thought. Oh yeah, hi Alexa. Shut it now, will you?

How is Starbucks Closed???
On Wednesday, \I payed a visit to The North, to meet up with the absolutely lovely Elly. Just gnna link to her Twitter, because sh’es fab and it was a wonderful day – thanks Elly!
However, there is still a story to be told – of course there is, I’m L! [As I wrote the end of that sentence, I thought of this sketch from Saturday Night Live – “I’m Ellen!”]
I went to The North by train – standard class, with my fellow commoners –, and was informed upon boarding the service that one of the carriages (not mine) had a broken window. ‘OMG,’ I thought, ‘what drama!’
“We will still be able to travel to Leeds,” claimed Train Manager Michael. “However, we won’t be able to go at full-speed, so we may be 5-10 minutes late into Leeds.” I was scheduled to be 15 minutes earlier than Elly into Leeds anyway, so that sounded like a pretty sweet deal to me.
With my Virgin trains East Coast WiFi – a ‘festive treat’, apparently –, and my train plug socket, I was happy as we raced through the Yorkshire countryside, the grand town of Grantham (where’s that please?) far behind us. Then, Michael picked up his microphone once again, and tore my world apart. (Too dramatic?)
“Ladies and gentlemen.” The collective inward breath from all in my carriage was audible. “I’’ve just heard from control” – what is this, bloomin’ Starwars? – “and I’m araid that we’re going to be terminating this service … at Doncaster.”
Doncaster. Of all of the quaint Yorkshire towns and villages, we get flippin’ Doncaster. Great. Picture the scene: about a hundred disgruntled post-Christmas passengers emerging on platform 8 of Doncaster railway station, confused and unhappy. Snow is falling – not in a romantic, wintery kind of way, but in a ‘shite this is cold’ fashion. We are being told to wait for the next train, which is 30 minutes away, and delayed.
But they don’t call me The Great L for nothing – oh no they don’t! I found the next departure to Leeds, which was going to be quicker than waiting for the train we were told to wait for. This alternative route wouldn’ve meant purchasing a new ticket, but you win some, you lose some right? As I got to the train, the conductor stood in front of me; he’d clearly spotted the crowd headed for his local stopping train, and had just one word for us all.
So, we found ourselves stood, shivering in the bitter winter morning, snow collecting in our hair and on our noses … and Starbuks – our one hope of saviour – was closed.

What did you think of storytime – did you enjoy it? I won’t be back before the new year now; the brilliant Elm will be here on Sunday, and I will be on her blog, to do our traditional birthday blog switcheru – WTF!


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