« And, on the Thursday before Christmas, L sat at his computer and thought… Shit, how do you make a hat?”
IT’S ME, your favourite llama and Christmas CEO L! Today, we’re going to talk about an array of ideas relating to DIY Christmas hats (they’re a thing now too, like Christmas drinks), mainly becauseI had no time (couldn’t be bothered) to make my own for you.
#1. Let’s Channel Our Inner Reindeer.
Just a quick question before we start: is the plural of reindeer just … reindeer? Always wondered…
Reindeer(s?) are always popular at this time of year – they drag Santa from one child’s chimney to the next, and never go on strike, UNLIKE YOU SOUTHERN RAILWAY! Their helpful, kind and cute af nature makes them a top choice for hat designs,, and their frankly iconic antlers make them easy to impersonate as a human child (or adult, I’m not judging). First, find some antler-type things: I suggest fake antlers, but the choice is yours. Next, find something red, to use as a nose – I would never suggest using a real nose, but a cherry tomato is a strong contendor for Red Nose of the Year Award 2017, s awarded by L. Then, make a hat. Your problem, not mine.
#2. Be Santa.
I was thinking the other dy: with the amount of travel Santa does on Christmas Eve, presumably he’s allowed to just skip immigration at Heathrow. So, if you’re wanting to go on holiday but have no passport/queueing patience, this hat might just be for you!
First, we need to find you a beard. Cotton wool buds, unrolled and glued together somehow, ay just do the trick, but candyfloss could work too, plus act as a tasty snack if attempted immigration-passing gets you landed in prison for Christmas.
I’m not sure what skin colour Santa would naturally have, coming from the North Pole and all, but he always wears something red, and it’d be a shame to leave the Labour Party-inspired aspect out of Santa’s very own hat. You could use a Labour flag of some sort, or, if you’re going for a less political look, how about the juice from that cherry tomato?
#3. Disguise Yourself As a Tree.
Both of the above hat-designs have made use of cherry tomatos – the best of the fruits, if you ask me. Now, I do understand that cherry tomatos can be expensive and hard to come by, especially if you shop in Lidl (can anyone find anything in that bloddy place?), and so you may find yourself on the run from the police, cherry tomato in hand, partially because of my advice. If this is the case, I say this: Dress As A Tree! Christmas trees are highly seasonal, and SOOO in fashion this time of year. Making a Christmas tree hat might just save you from the tomato police… You never tomat-know!
You’re going to need something green – how about some leaves, or a letice, which, in the right light, could be mistaken as a dark-enough green to be called Christmas-tree-green. Next, find an angel to atop your hat: I’m available for bookings up to and after the big 25, but unfortunately I’m not able to attend your Christmas tree hat on the big day itself. Many appologies: you’ll never find an angel as good as me.
Fill your mouth with pine needles; you want to be mistaken as a real Christmas tree, not a faker, and those things drop pine needles everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE.
And, there you go – you’re a Christmas tree!
I really hope you enjoyed my guide to DIY Christmas hats – let me know if you have any other ideas? I was going to say ‘any better ideas’, but obvs there are no better ideas than these…