Different Kinda L

So … um … hi ?

Anyone out there ?

It’s me … Anyone remember me ?

Nope …

Look, OK, so it was a long blogging break: I accept that. But you missed me, right?

In all seriousness, though, I apologise for the ridiculously long (and unplanned) blogging break; I just haven’t had the time, energy or (sadly) the motivation to sit down and write a post. I know it’s not really an excuse, and that writing posts to you guys usually makes me feel better about stuff, but I’m back now, and life is OK.

 

So, what have you all been up to? I have to catch up on so many blogs it’s insane, but I’m really looking forward to reading all about what I’ve missed with you guys!

I’ve been pretty busy to be fair, with the good and the bad …

At the beginning of last week (18th September), I successfully qualified with my first guide dog, who I’ve been training with all summer. It felt so so great to qualify, and to know that all of my hard work was worth it: the future looks so exciting with my trusty pup in toe.

I’ve had a ridiculous amount of school work – it’s been stressful, but I think if I took it more seriously, and was more organised, it’d be so much easier. Still, nobody’s perfect, right? (ADELE DOESN’T COUNT. ADELE DOESN’T COUNT.)

Last weekend, someone who treated me like shit for about a year got back in touch for the first time in at least 6-9 months. My attitude towards them, in fact, kinda foreshadows the tone of this post: I told them that I wasn’t interested in what they had to say, that they messed up my mental health beyond belief, and that I wouldn’t be answering any more of their texts. And, true to my word, I didn’t.

I spent the day with <a href=https://justelm.wordpress.com/about-me/>Elm</a>, one of my IRL friends, today. It was fab to catch up with her, get coffee (well, hot chocolate) like sophisticated adults, and have the opportunity to scare the living daylights out of her every few minutes… Love you too, Elmy!

 

Something has changed at school this year – I’ve noticed it, creeping up on me gradually until its presence became part of me. That’s not to say I don’t like it; quite the opposite, in fact.

I just don’t give a shit.

Let me explain, because that makes me sound lazy and braindead, and whilst I may be one of those things, I am most certainly not the other (you decide which way round…). I care about schoolwork, and classes, and grades: I need to, if I want my options to remain open to me for next year, and the years to follow. I do my homework, I work in class, and I pay attention (mostly).

 

But in terms of actual people, I just don’t care. Let me give you a couple of examples:

In Biology, we were learning about genetics through the example of red-green colour blindness – an inherited genetic disorder. Being totally blind myself, I couldn’t help but turn to my friend and say: “Oooh, I’ve got that!”

However, the next day, that same friend told me something another student (not a friend of mine) had said. Presumably in search of a laugh, he’d turned to a large-ish group and said: “Oh, L has that.”

From me, this is fine: I know where the line is, and say jokes that I’m comfortable with. From my friends, this is also fine: they mainly know where to draw a line with jokes, and if they do slip across it from time to time, I know that they by no means intend to offend me. However, from someone who I’ve never so much as shared a conversation with? That’s not OK.

Last year, that would have made me really quite upset, although I can’t really explain why that is. I guess it’s just the fact that someone could see it as appropriate to talk about me like that, behind my back, and not think about what they’re actually saying. This year, however, it made me … angry. Like, I didn’t go off to punch him or anything (a glare from across the classroom was my punishment of choice), but I was really quite angry, and didn’t care that I showed it.

My friend agreed with me, and I think was a bit surprised that I showed a bit of a harder, less vulnerable side. Normally, I’d care, because I wouldn’t want to draw attention to the fact that I was angry – especially not from the person who’d said the stupid comment. But this year – I just don’t care. Let him know I’m angry: he deserves it.

 

I’ve never had a detention in school; I’ve never been so much as told off. I was quite proud of that record – ‘was’, because it no longer stands. Over the first 4 years of secondary school, I was too scared to step out of line: rules were there to be obeyed, and not doing so was bad and disruptive and silly.

So, when I got told off for talking in class last week, I thought I’d be devastated. I thought I’d be really upset and ashamed. But – I wasn’t. I just didn’t care: I felt nothing. I stopped talking – sure I did –, but not out of anxiety or fear of being punished. And clearly the event didn’t scar me for life: I got told off for talking again just two days after.

Rebel, L…

 

I don’t know what I’m getting at here: maybe just the hope that someone can relate. It’s odd, but I kinda like it – it gives me a different image, something new to work with, to mould to how I want to portray myself. What do you think?

 

L XX

13 thoughts on “Different Kinda L

  1. Hey L *gives giant wave*. First of all I do want to say I’m happy you have emerged from the abyss, I’ve missed your posts and chatting on Twitter but I understand why you’ve been absent. Year 11 has taken me by surprise to, there’s too much work!!! Secondly, I want to say that I understand what you’re saying about school. I think I’ve got a different attitude this year too. I’m starting to speak my mind more and in some cases, I just can’t be bothered with people or subjects. I’m much more confident and happy with talking to everyone online than speaking to my irl friends in real life which of course is a struggle at school for obvious reasons. I hope you’re sort of okay though and message me if you just want to vent or want to chat with someone xx ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwww that’s so sweet! I have returned (or as Shakespeare wood say, “return’d”) now. I’m so glad you can relate; it makes me feel a lot better, knowing that I’m not alone. Thank you so much: I’m always here for you too, if ever you need me xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. that guy was out of line! it’s awful when class strangers talk about you behind your back, for an ego boost or something; it happens so much in schools. When I was at school, i always got detentions for not handing in homework because i was scared that it wasnt perfect. I never got detentions for behaviour because I was a well-behaved student, quiet and attentive, so the teachers got quite confused about my lack of homework haha. I sorta fixed that for my GCSEs but it still could have been better, but I felt like I had to overcome my fear of my work not being good enough and teachers potentially laughing at how bad it was. I like the idea of changing your image. I never had the confidence to change who I was when I moved schools; I still didn’t do the speaking first, but there were some really nice girls that I became friends with, and one day in year eleven, a teacher was really surprised when he said “well, for the first time ever, i’m going to have to tell lia to stop talking.” At the time, I was embarrassed and awkward, because usually I didn’t talk that much, but I was sitting next to someone I’d become friends with. Looking back, I think it was good that happened because it was an indicator that I’d gained confidence. I’ve lost confidence again since but back then, I was in an alright place.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s really odd embracing that alternative side to yourself. School probably isn’t the best place to do it, but in some ways, it’s the perfect place… It depends how you see things (or don’t, in my case!)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah it might be better to re-invent yourself in university, that’s what most people who I’ve known have done. My mum, for instance, often talks about how she was really shy at school and then when she went to her art & design college, she started dressing how she wanted and acting how she wanted, and she made tons of friends that she’s still in contact with today haha. I don’t know, I’m not good at re-inventing myself, but a lot of other people can do it :3

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s not something that anyone is technically “good” at — I think it’s just one of those things that happens subtly … maybe? 😂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello! Good to hear from you, really need to start texting again (sorry I drifted away)
    Glad you and Elm had a great time and massive congrats once again to you and your guide dog (can’t remember if you publicly shared her name so will give her anonymity)
    I think reinventing yourself can be really health and cathartic, particularly if it makes you a stronger and more resilient person. Also feel free to kick that guy in the face, he was so out of order!

    Liked by 1 person

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