When You Realise

Everyone has a moment when they realise. I didn’t think mine would be on a unseasonally-cold Tuesday evening in August; I didn’t think it would be — or, on the fae of it, want it to be — anytime soon, to be perfectly honest. Still, I think I have realised now, and once you’ve realised, you can’t really go back.

Realised what, though?
When you realise that you’ve grown up, that innocent childhood and care-free summers are over, and that life gets serious from here on bitch…
* Channels inner Britney “You’d betta work bitch” *

Maybe mid-teenage naivity is leading me astray: a mid-teen crisis, during which I think that my childhood is over, wouldn’t be especially out of character for me; I love a good crisis I do. Nevertheless, I think I’m right, and I don’t know how to feel about it, honestly.
Looking ahead to the next year, I am beginning to realise that I’m doing ‘grown-up things’ (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER): important educational examinations, moving out of home for college, volunteering/delivering presentations at events, looking after a dog fulltime — this isn’t child-like any more. this is real, grown-up, and … strange.
But I kinda like it.

I write fairly frequently of a burning desire inside of me — a desire to cling onto care-free childhood and youthful naivity for as long as humanly possible, to live my best life young, whilst I still can. But that flame doesn’t burn as hot any more, not as bright as before. Something else is taking over: a calmer yearning for the real world — to be grown-up, mature, and independent. Carelessness is suddenly less attractive: something of the past, which was fun while it lasted, but not something to be relived. And believe me — it was fun while it lasted: metaphorically dancing through life, free from worry, free from trouble — free from anything that couldn’t be squeezed into a box, have a lid slammed on it and could then be forgotten about for an indefinite amount of time.

On a literal level, I feel more grown-up: suddenly, i’m thinking about banking, saving for college, using a debit card. Nowadays, I seem to think differently: more practically, abandoning my “it will be fine probably hopefully” approach, replacing it with a more realistic planning system. I mean, come on — I’ve just applied for a railcard! If that’s not grown-up, what is?
But, the odd thing it, it doesn’t feel unnaturally adult-like — far from it, in fact. it used to; trust me, I used to feel so out of my depth, it was laughable. Now, though, it just feels … normal, sensible, and necessary. But, again, I think I like it.

Am I making any sense? Am I spouting crap? I don’t even know any more, but writing all of this down has definitely helped.
And that’s a good thing, I feel.


6 thoughts on “When You Realise

  1. Growing up is a funny thing sometimes because some people spend their entire childhood waiting for the moments they can do “adult stuff” only to regret it when they become an adult. But it’s great that your embracing the changes that come with growing older 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I get that; either that, or people wait 18 years to do adult-things (KEEP IT CLEAN) to then decide it wasn’t really worth the wait. X


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