Toxic

Before I say anything else, I want to say an absolutely enormous thank you for all of the lovely, (fine, I’ll admit it) tear-jerking comments left on my last post; your generosity, genuine care and unbreaking support astonishes me endlessly, and for that I am eternally grateful to you all. I am finally beginning to feel a bit better — not great, maybe not even good — but better. And better is better than not better… Confused?

Onto today’s topic of discussion: toxic friendships. (NO I AM NOT FULL OF DOOM AND GLOOM — SHUT IT YOU.)
As always, I can’t and won’t attempt to speak for anyone apart from myself, but I’m going to use logic to conclude that it is not just me who is one half of at least one toxic friendship.
Let me explain what I mean by that term — toxic friendship. To me, a toxic friendship is one that, overall, has a negative effect on you, whether that be physically, mentally or emotionally. Specifically though, my use of the term ‘toxic friendship’ defines a friendship of this type, but one which you are still a part of, for whatever reason.
I have several toxic friendships — the fact that I can recognise that, but can’t do the sensible thing and get my sorry arse out of them is overwhelmingly stupid to me too, don’t worry.

Maybe it’s a loneliness, or some fucked-up desire to invite someone to knock me down over and over again, watching me weaken as their blows toughen. For whatever reason, I find myself actively maintaining friendships that are making me feel … shit. I can’t sum it up in any better terms than that — these people make me feel like shit.
Anything I say, or do, or think — wrong. And it’s little things: they’ll correct my grammar one too many times, or refuse to ‘agree to disagree’ over something — they’re right, I’m wrong, end of story. I make a cup of tea — well, how inconsiderate of me, considering I’m on the phone to them, talking about how difficult their life is (not at all difficult), whilst they had the cheak to play their music loudly down my phone for 15 mins, not saying a word to me throughout.
Are they having a bad day? No worries — I’ll hear all about it, ready or not. Am I having a bad day? … Sorry, that doesn’t matter — they had to walk up the road in the rain today; that’s much more important than feeling like you just want to curl up and cry, of course. They are, always have been and always will be infinitely more important than I am, and that’s how they view our friendship.

So why don’t I do the sensible thing? Why don’t I reply to one of their texts, and say just how I feel — or not reply at all, for that matter? Why don’t I block their number, unfriend them on Facebook, and cut ties with them through all other means? Why don’t I call them, for once, and tell them how this glorious friendship is no more, how over years it has morphed into something different, alien, and very much unwanted?
Because I can’t. I should, I know, but I can’t. I have nowhere near enough confidence to do so, and besides — this ‘friendship gone bad’ was, in the old dyas, built on trust; they know too much about me. Far, far too much.

Does this look bitter? Angry?
I don’t care, honestly. I have to get this off my chest before it consumes me, and while I know they’ll never read this, I hope beyond hope that they do, just to give me the satisfaction of knowing they have. No other reason.
If you are in a friendship like this, don’t do what I do, and ignore it — get out. You are all worth so, so much more than people who won’t or don’t listen to you, and you all deserve to be treated properly, whoever you are. You all have a friend in me, I promise.

L XX

23 thoughts on “Toxic

  1. Oh L, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had several toxic friendships in the past and one of my current friendships becomes toxic from time to time. I definitely understand how hard it is to let go of a friendship, even if it’s toxic. In my experience, I just keep thinking about the times when things were great and then I can’t bring myself to let them go. So, I totally understand what you’re feeling and if you ever want to talk to me about it you can xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes it’s very hard to get rid of toxic friendships, I could so relate to this. I found myself not wanting to get rid of it, because it was easier not to. In the end tho I did and now I’m much happier!! You could do that too, but I know it’s hard and sometimes it causes less pain to not. Lots of love em xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ahh I understand this, toxic friendships are so destructive and I’m sorry you’re stuck in them, sometimes it can be hard to escape especially when the toxicity revolves around them making you feel guilty for every little thing you do that isn’t giving them attention or being forced to listen to their problems without any consideration of yours. Cutting ties is hard and I wish I could give some helpful advice but sometimes you just have to ride it out until you have a “reason” to cut ties with them (not that the toxic friendships isn’t a good reason, but it’s easier if there is something physically breaking the friendship apart) like leaving school is a good time to leave people behind that have been harmful to you. That’s how I managed to end some of my toxic friendships and it was such a freeing feeling that I hope you’ll experience someday soon. I would suggest to try to surround yourself with your friends that make you happy and care about you (and ofcourse all of us internet peeps who love their llama leader lots) and I’m currently humming a very out of tune “you got a friend in me” as a tribute to the end of your post. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Getting out of complicated situations will always be complicated, but not impossible. You don’t deserve being treated this way, not any of you. Besides, if you only get one chance to live on this planet, why blow it on toxic friendship instead of good friendship? Start living for you, and start taking care of yourselves. Reach for happiness – your happiness! You are worth nothing less! ♥︎

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know it’s hard to get out of these friendships but I think you should get out of the toxic friendships you have before it does any more damage to you. They have no right in making you feel unworthy of their time, I know it’s scary to let go but these friendships come and go and we need to know when it is time to let go at the right time. I am speaking about this of experience, these friendships have done a lot of damage to me(trust me, it’s not easy to get over and find a cure to this, but I am in the process of finally feeling better) and I don’t think I want this to happen to anybody else.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ooh gosh, I’ve had 2 major major “toxic friendships” that almost ruined my life. I can absolutely relate to this, like OMG. They seemed to make me feel worse in ALL damn ways, yet pretend that they’re the sweetest people on earth.
    Thanks for this, because aahh atleast I’m not alone! I’m now trying to cut them out and I am kinda becoming better even though it’s a tiny percent. Just get it over. A single text. Set them on fire. 😎

    And your blog is different, really! Like wow. I’ve got no words.
    Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Set them on fire” has to be my new catchphrase 😂😂
      It’s so difficult to get out of a friendship like this but I hope it’s worth it.
      Awww thank you so so much xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I know you’ve probably heard this from every other person, but as a longtime veteran on on toxic relationship honestly the best thing to do is to let them go. It won’t be easy at all, but i’m so sure it will make you feel better. People like that don’t need an amazing person like you in their life.

    Liked by 1 person

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