I am so confused.
I am so upset.

I’ve been away this weekend, playing sport in the north of England. I went with my mum; she always enjoys watching me play sport, which is really sweet actually. I can’t emphasise enough how great the weekend was: we played well, I saw lots of old friends, and had time to really enjoy myself. I’m not sure I’ve laughed that much before in one weekend — and honestly, that’s just what I needed.

But now, this: my paretns are splitting up.
I went to bed around 9:30pm last night, just as my dad got in from work; I was so tired after the weekend, and I have an exam this morning. By 10pm, my parents’ conversation had turned into an heated discussion, and by 10:30, they were shouting. My sister was in tears, I was too tired to even comprehend what the hell was going on, and I just wanted to sleep.
1:30am, they’re still shouting, and now my sister and I both know what’s going on. Our paretns are splitting up. Our dad is moving out.

Now I’m not going to lie: my parents’ relationship has never been the most stable in the world, but I just sort of thought it was all a combination of my mum being tired (she works in the care industry, which is quite tiring), my dad being tired (he works two jobs), and frankly, the strain of having a disabled child — me. they’ve talked about splitting up before, almost using it as a threat, but in my heart, I always knew it was just that — a threat.
This time, though, my heart isn’t convinced: this is not a threat. This is actually happening. Even now, at 6am on Monday morning, they’re talking about the money, and when my dad is going to move out. this is not a threat.

As I said, the relationship between my parents has always been strained, and in one way, it’s a relief to know that the arguing — the non-stop arguing — will, finally, stop. But I didn’t want it like this: I don’t want two homes. I don’t want to split holidays, or spend my weekends and weekdays in different places.
I don’t want my dad to leave.

Is it my fault? Maybe I was right — maybe, the strain of a disabled child was just too much for my parents. Maybe, after 15-and-a-half years, something has finally snapped: the strain was too much. My mum or my dad would never say that that was the case, but truly, who’s going to say that to their child? Just because they don’t say it, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Sorry for the confused, illogical post; i’m just so confused and upset right now, and I’m crying, and I just want this to stop, but I can’t make it stop.


28 thoughts on “Split

  1. This definitely isn’t your fault, as their child you are sure to have had an impact on decisions they’ve made, but this is between them. You’re not responsible for them splitting up. I hope you know that 💚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This completely sucks – I really hope you’re okay ): My parents split when I was around 9 or 10 so I understand how much of a strain it can be when you realise everything is going to completely change. but it will get better, trust me. and if you ever want to talk about it, I’m open for listening x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. holy shit dude im so sorry
    please know that we’re always here for you, i’m only a text away if you ever need me and i’m always available to talk. you didn’t do anything wrong and none of this is your fault, i promise you ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through,
    I think what’s really important is being really strong through all of it. And you should know that none of this is your fault in any way at all.
    Be strong! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey!! I’m so sorry to hear that this is happening in your life, on top of all the exam stress you’re most likely struggling with! I just wanted to say a few things, firstly, this is 100% NOT your fault! This has nothing to do with you or your sister, I’m sure they both love you very much and they wouldn’t want you blaming yourself – relationships don’t always work out, that is just life, it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault (especially not yours). Unfortunately for parents they can’t just split up like couples without children because they both have commitments and duties as parents and I’m not going to lie, it will be difficult at first and confusing and it will take some time to work out a schedule to see them both but it WILL work out! Also, something that might make you feel better, and I hope it does, is, no matter how hard and upsetting it is right now eventually you will feel like it was the right thing. You will never stop wishing that you lived with them both but, from experience of having parents that argued a lot before eventually spliting up, it is actually much easier when there isn’t shouting surrounding you anymore. Everyone is so much happy and more relaxed because the stress of constant arguing has gone. It seems unimaginable now, but sometimes it really is for the best and it shouldn’t effect your relationship with either parent. And again, it is not your fault! Hope this helped and that you’re okay!! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. oh dear hun i’m so so sorry!! and PLEASE don’t blame yourself. yes, a strain is possible, but you would never cause something like that. it is not your fault ❤ sending hugs and an open ear!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry! That’s a horrible thing for anyone to go through. Nothing that’s happened is your fault, and I’m positive than neither of your parents feel that way.

    Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. U are man?! Sorry, what is your problem?! Want to live in a Dream??! Love is feeling, not a Pressure to be with s someone. They lost intimacy, friendship. Better is to split than kill each other. U and sister open your Hearts for their needs. Grow up!! Or stay be Control Freak 🙂
    Of course I am nasty..I really hate “babies”; and I do not aloud my parents, my boyfriend, friends..no one to force me to something. Usually football players are a good players if they are more in a gym than at home. Mother’s ” baby” are a bad players. U decide!


  9. Hey. This isn’t your fault. I’m very sure of that. I also have a broken family. My mom moved out when I was about to finish my 7th grade with my younger brother. I stayed with my dad and my older sister and the aftermath was very very rough especially on me. I was just young and with my parent’s splitting up, I had more responsibility in the family with schoolworks too. My parents on very bad terms. I can feel the tension between them whenever my mom and brother is visiting. I can feel the competition. It was very difficult but you know what, I got through it and so will you. It will be hard, I don’t want to sugarcoat it or anything. It will be rough, I don’t how rough but it will be but I’m very sure you’ll get through it. We’re here in you need help and your friends too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’ve said it all to you before but I’m going to say this again: it’s not your fault and in no version of events could it have been your fault. I’m always, always here when you need to talk: I won’t understand this totally but I do understand the frustrations that can result. Please never think you’re alone because you have so many people here to help you xx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am so sorry that you are hurting. As a parent of a child with autism, I can assure you, that YOU ARE NOT THE REASON for your parent’s troubles. Children of these broken marriages often feel that it is their fault, when in fact, it is not. Married couples often fight about the smallest things…all the while covering up that their relationship has gradually been falling apart over time. In the meantime, the children are being overlooked because the parents are so busy focusing on themselves and their own issues. This leaves the kids feeling left out, hurt abandoned and betrayed. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! You’re parents need to stop focusing on their own selfishness & focus on how their problems, fighting and and chaos is affecting you! I’ll be keeping you in my prayers!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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