How to Human 101 with L: How to Twitter

Sorry, but I just can’t let this series die, OK? I clearly have attachment issues, but that’s fine — just let me write my bloody shitty posts because no one can stop me so there.
Ha Ha Ha.
I would like to dedicate this particular post to the forever-superb Lu, who specifically requested this post (sorry guys, blame her).

How to twitter — a Step-By-Step Guide to a Perfect Twitter day
1. wake up — no one like a sleep-tweeter; they’re usually awful at spelling, and all those “zzzz”s gets annoying after a while…
2. Download the twitter app from the app store — you probably deleted it last night, in a fit of rage when your iPhone/Android decided that actually, you totally didn’t have enough room for that photo (I’m convinced they just do that when they’re having a bad day in Phoneland, and need to release their anger).
3. Spend HOURS trying to log in to twitter — no one ACTUALLY remembers their password, do they? … dO THEY???
4. Be surprised — they’ve changed the app … again…
5. Like some tweets with meaningless — sorry, motivational — quotes — a favourite on Twitter seems to be the following: “Silent and listen are spelt with the same letters; think about it”. (Note: tinsel is also spelt with the same letters…)
6. Tweet a quick message to your adoring fans — how about “Hello”, or “Good morning”, as a place to start?
7. Repeat every hour, on the hour, all day long.
That’s how it works, OK?

Now …

How to twitter — a Step-By-Step Guide to L’s Generic Twitter day
1. wake up — Twitter is usually still open on my phone from a 3am binge-read session, but that’s all cool.
2. tweet out a meaningless message — something about coffee, or my cats, usually goes down pretty well.
3. Figure out what the hell is happening — Wait, something happened in LA last night? Business as usual then…
4. Retweet some smile-worthy quote — make sure you’re following ALL of the comedians for the best chance at finding something mildly funny.
5. Reply — it’s all about the replying, OK? Make sure you reply to everyone on your Twitter feed (unless it’s, like, BBC News or something), to prove that you are engaged and fully up-to-date with what’s happening in our flat world… wait, what? They’ve decided the Earth is round now? No, this isn’t true — I AM ENGAGED WITH CURRENT AFFAIRS!
6. Just go with it — I never quite catch on with what’s happening on twitter, but just pretending seems to work for me: that quote is funny? sure, OK then…

Top tips, From L to You, on twittering
It’s not called Twittering: it’s Tweeting, apparently, although I find Twittering to be a much better term — doesn’t it just sound fun?!
The question “What’s Happening?”, asked by Twitter when you’re composing a new tweet, is (I think) meant to be ironic, as that’s all you’re ever asking yourself whilst on twitter. (Wait — what do you mean that’s just me?)
Be aware that yes, it is possible for people to see your likes, so you should probably go unlike … whatever you feel needs to be unliked — I’m not going to go there, OK?
People don’t want to know the time and date of your every toilet trip, if that’s quite alright with you.
Twitter will frequently change their app/website just as you’re beginning to get to grips with the last set of changes — we’re all in this together guys: I feel your pain.

And so there you are — L’s guide to help you Twitter along with the rest of the world in a sophisticated, mature and responsible fashion. I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, and as always, I hope this helped (HTH: hope this helped, or How to Human — coinsidental? I think not…)


15 thoughts on “How to Human 101 with L: How to Twitter

  1. Now every time my friend talks about her Twitter, all I’m going to hear is “twittering”… Not sure if this is a positive or a negative tbh ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ˜

    Liked by 1 person

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