How to human 101 With L: How to Cook

First, an apology: I have left this small series of posts abandoned, lonely and neglected for far too long. I had some absolutely amazing feedback at the time on the first two posts in the series, which you can find here. So, I’ve decided (after 10 months) to bring it back for 2017 — EXCITING!

Today, we are tackling the fun topic of … cooking! By the end of this post, you will know how to cook safely, healthily and well; you may as well book in that dinner party round your place right now. Just let me know when my invite will be arriving…

L’s Top Tips for Cooking
1. Always use sharp knives
Using sharp knives in the kitchen adds a little more risk to yur cooking experience; what’s life without risk? A perfectly suitable and innocent attempt to cook a pizza could turn into a full-on blood bath — you just never know!

2. Use ready meals
They’re bad for you, and will eventually kill you or something, but let’s face it: you’re just not good enough to go near a recipe that involves you having to ‘skiffle’ a carrot. I mean, c’mon — WTF is that? Shall I get out my tap shoes and dance for this bloody carrot, or something?

3. You know what, just don’t
You want to eat? Just let the mature people in your life manage the food-related tasks — you’re not sensible, mature or organised enough. Plus, you’ll need to buy ingredients and (unfortunately) it is still socially unacceptable to enter a supermarket in your pyjamas and slippers.

If you are going to insist upon cooking a meal, allow your guardian angelic llama (me) to give you some recipe suggestions, for your perusal.

Recipe 1: Scrambled eggs
A. Pour a bit of milk into a jug
… No, too much. pour some out.
… NO no no stop — a little more milk. Yup, that’s enough.

B. Crack egg into jug by savagely wacking egg against side of jug and thinking of the poor baby chicken you just effectively killed. Allow your tears to run into the jug: the salt can add a unique flavour!

C. Whisk. I often find it more satisfying to pretend to be a whisk myself, and spin around in circles or figures-of-8 in my kitchen, sometimes with a whisk/fork in my hand, like a batton-twirler (get your mind out of the gutter — we’re COOKING!)

D. Lose will and patience, and place in microwave; it’s magic in there, it’ll be cooked in no time.

E. OK maybe it actually worked — scrambled eggs! Yayyyy!

Recipe 2: Cake
a. Mix eggs, butter, flour, sugar and … uh, is there another ingredient? … in a bowl. Doesn’t matter how much — the more the better.

B. Mix until all gloopy, like … gloop.

C. Have fun decorating your kitchen with this new gloop; trust me, your parents will love that you’ve had a creative and unique stylistic moment, and will thank you for the rest of your days.

D. Approach oven with caution. Trust me, that thing doesn’t like you, and if you’re not careful it will leap towards you and try to burn you alive ahhh.

E. Wear oven gloves. Open oven and really really quickly grab shop-bought ginger cake out of oven before slamming oven door shut.
The oen wasn’t even on, was it… it wasn’t even hot.

F. Eat cake. ALL OF IT.

Recipe 3: Roast Beef
A. Get changed. No good cooks in a onesie, now, do they?
If you said “No, L, they don’t. Good cooks don’t wear onesies”, then I am very offended: my cooking is devine!

B. Find a McDonalds. This task gould be more difficult than expected; Google Maps is deceitful, and is unlikely to actively aid you in finding a fastfood outlet, although it may try and show you your nearest srmchair shop — always useful.

C. go to McDonalds. Order Happy Meal.

D. Roast beef done!!! You even got roast potatoes with it — bonus!

I think we have safely achieved our goal of safe, healthy and good cooking; trust me, those dinner party guests are gonna be blown away by your cooking. No, seriously they will be — they’ll be blown away to Heaven, because let’s face it, you probably accidentaly poisoned them. Good job you just ordered yourself a pizza then, isn’t it?

Hope this helped


38 thoughts on “How to human 101 With L: How to Cook

  1. I think I know why you were nominated Funniest Blogger (@The 2016 Blogger Awards). Sorry for being ‘so last year’ but seriously, I was laughing throughout this post thinking ‘make it stop!’ because it was just TOO HILARIOUS.
    GAH, I think my life aspiration is being a whisk. I mean who wouldn’t want to prance around the kitchen, pretending to flip pancakes? Well, i do

    Liked by 1 person

  2. STUPID WORDPRESS! I wasn’t finished! (Sorry, the comment posted without me clicking the post comment button and now is incredibly later than the other one)

    As I was saying…
    I think sharp knives are the key to having good food. You can almost taste the danger in the food when cooked. Oh and the BLOOD!
    I think people need to start appreciating my art. Like my parents seriously don’t like that I make mess (abstract art here). There should be more diversity in art. There should be like a whole movement for more appreciation in art #artdiversity.


  3. Honestly tho the amount of times I’ve gotten a roast chicken and vegetables from Red Rooster and said I’ve made it πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Cooking failure buddies. Although I looooove baking – you ain’t lived till you’ve tried my secret brownie recipe πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Blown away with your Blog – hilarious. Think you should try making smoothies next – after all you can put practically anything in to them (first checking that the cat is not in the kitchen !) and then whizz to your heart’s content !

    Liked by 1 person

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