I just wanted to write a quick post to let you guys know something that’s going on right now with me, and that I’m actually kinda proud of. I say ‘quick’, which for sure now means that I will go on to write a 1000 word essay on this topic… you clicked that follow button, not me!
As some of you may know, either from previous blog posts or from talking to me outside of my blog comments (@CWarned, if you’re interested), I suffer with quite bad anxiety at times. No, it’s not diagnosed or anything like that, mainly because I lack the courage to take the steps necessary to get that specific ball rolling – ironic, I know. However, something has been different lately, and I wanted to talk about it, because it’s weird and brilliant all at the same time – weirdliant, if you will.
As of late, I haven’t been worrying as much. Now, I realise that that is a rather broad, sweeping statement, so allow me to clarify. Usually, before events take place, however major or minor they are, I overthink them, and begin inventing worse-case scenarios in my head which slowly take over until I’m confident that they will happen, and the event will go wrong. It can be anything, from thinking that people won’t talk to me at a party, to thinking that the bus driver won’t stop the bus to let me get off – literally, I worry about every little and big thing alike. But recently, I haven’t been worrying much at all: it’s weird, I can’t lie.
There are several potential reasons for this which I’ve come up with, and I’d like to share them with you now.
Before this academic year, which started in September, I wasn’t at all popular at school. I had friends – don’t get me wrong –, but no one who, for example, would go at all out of their way to talk to me, or make sure I was OK. This year, however, things have changed, and whilst I’m not popular in the sense that I have a huge group of friends, I am finally finding my own little group of friends, and that’s so brilliant. It’s funny, really, because it’s started to make me realise that maybe I’m not as bad or as shitty a person as I always make myself out to be, both in my head and to other people. Perhaps there are good things about me after all, and whilst I have hundreds upon hundreds of flaws and weaknesses, don’t we all? Having people who actively want to talk to me – it’s not always me who starts conversations on WhatsApp, or finds someone to talk to at break, because now, they come and talk to me of their own accord – has begun to make me worry less about myself in general; there must be SOMETHING good, or at least not bad, about me, or else why are people at school wanting to talk to me?
The other reason for my lack of worrying recently is experience. I’ve thought about this one a lot, and have concluded that I do have an awful lot of experience in certain areas. To you, my ‘experience’ may sound stupid: I have experience in asking for help; I have experience in getting lost (and consequently finding my way back to somewhere I know); I have experience in talking to the bus driver in the morning. Finally, I’ve found my way of using every experience I’ve had (and can remember) to my advantage, using them to calm me down and reassure myself that I am OK, and I know what to do. Having a pool of experiences to draw ideas from is an incredible confidence booster, and honestly, I think that that’s just what I needed: confidence.
It’s crazy, because the beginning of this academic year didn’t start out too positively, and I almost gave up all hope of a good year there and then. It was Fibit, however, who said that Year 10 (the year of school which I’m in now, and he was in last year) was the year in which things went well for him, and that he was sure it’d be the same for me. I was totally unconvinced – I’m a cynical git, I know –, but it turns out he was right. And so, Fibit, if you’re reading this, thank you.
Thanks a lot.
For real, innit.
I know that preventing anxiety is never easy, and no one is in a position to tell you how to stop worrying. Honestly, though, that’s not the aim of this post. I didn’t write this thinking: “Oooooh, I’ve found the solution to all of your problems”. I wrote this thinking: “This story should hopefully say one thing – things get better, even if you’re convinced that they can’t, or won’t. they can, and they will.”