… And The Anxiety Starts Again

The weather here in London is, by most people’s standards, pretty good. Outside my window, the sun is shining, and I can feel it on my bare arms as I type this post in my bedroom, indoors. It will supposedly hit 33 degrees celcius today – 91.4 degrees Fahrenheit! For Britain, this day should basically be marked has a historic day to remember already, and it hasn’t even hit 30 yet: the typical rumour that Britain gets little, if any, sun is, unfortunately, true.

So, why am I not satisfied?
why am I not happy?

Today, I’m going out for a meal. It’s a social thing – an attempt to make all of the visually impaired students in my area
A] be together in one room and
B] actually get on with one another.
Tha’s fine; I know I get on with the people going, and it’s nothing too serious or important. All the same, nerves have started kicking in; I’d forgotten just how much social anxiety can affect me.

What if I say something stupid?
What if I do something wrong?
What if the usual flow of conversation changes from polite-lunch-convo to a topic which is unexpected, and therefore which I am not prepared for and I consequently say something idiotic and moronic?
Social occasions scare the shit out of me so, so bad. Although I know that it’s just my mind jumping to negative, pessimistic and unlikely worst case scenarios, there are no ‘just’s when it comes to anxiety. Everything – absolutely everything – is something, if you see what I mean.
And this is a big something.

I suppose it feels like a explosion – like that of a coke bottle, when it’s been shaken around in the bag on the way home from the shop – inside my stomach, my heart merely pumping the violently-frothing liquid around and around my body, faster and faster, until eventually the desperately-fast paced pulsing is no longer inside me – it is me. Some people say it’s stupid, and that I should grow up, but I can’t, even if it is stupid. It’s something that, however much I try to, I simply cannot shut out, put to the back of my mind. Somehow, without either my knowledge nor my concent, it has grown and grown until my body and my social anxiety are no longer separate entities but one existence, one thing.

I’m scared about today; I’m nervous and I just don’t know what to do about it. Personally, I think I’m pretty good at hiding it now, at putting on a brave face, but I don’t know.
I just don’t know…


41 thoughts on “… And The Anxiety Starts Again

  1. I have social anxiety too so don’t think for a second that you’re alone because I suffer from it to the stage where it stops me from living my life. My advice for today is to be you (cliche I know but it works) and try and make people laugh early on because I know you have humour in you and I’ve barely known you a day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Not being the only one is very comforting, I’m sure you’ll agree. That’s so kind of you to say: thank you! I’m just about to leave… Let’s hope for the best πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey L,
    I hope today goes really well and you go to sleep with a smile knowing you got through this. I have these thoughts too sometimes and know it is hard to filter out. You’re an amazing person, have a great sense of humour and such amazing thoughts to share. If people chose to judge you or mock you for saying the wrong thing or something that goes wrong, you don’t need those people in your life if they aren’t going to support you. Saying that, the blogosphere has shown there are wonderful people out here so I hope that your friends well help you feel at ease and realise it is okay to say something stupid or not know what to say xo

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Don’t worry about it, be yourself because from what I have read, you are a lovely person that it would be a pleasure to be friends with so they’re gonna love you

    Liked by 1 person

  4. i’m pretty awkward in social situations so i tend to rely on my humour and it usually works out pretty good. from what i know you’ve got some good humour so if it makes you more comfortable make some jokes and try not to be all tense and closed off, even if it’s hard do act welcoming because for all you know, other people are freaking out just as much as you are. good luck, hope it goes well. also random note but sorry for not reading your blog much recently!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You can’t click your fingers and make the anxiety go away, but you’re already doing something. You’re talking about it. Don’t be afraid to, because there are so many people in the same boat as you. I hope today goes well, and if it all goes to shit then I’m here if you need to talk.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This literally sounds exactly like me practically every other morning before any social interaction. Whenever stuff like this happens, remember to breathe. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes it helps to focus on only your breathing. It has calmed me in so many times of panic and it helps to get your thoughts into perspective. I hope this helps. Good Luck!
    -Dani 😊❀️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. By the time you see this, you’re probably done with the social thing. If yes, then I sure hope it went well.
    I can understand what you must be feeling whenever you’re plopped in a social situation. All that anxiety feels terrible. But if you are worried about messing up, believe me, you can’t. You are genuinely funny and you know how to make conversation (yes you do, sshhh). Talking to other human beings is a task, but it’s one that we must complete. However, I KNOW you’re capable of having a great time and that’s what you need to do. Even if you slip up, laughter is the best medicine. So I just hope everything turns out great.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You’re probably back from the event already, but I’m gonna comment anyways. I don’t think it’s stupid what you’re feeling. I don’t have social anxiety myself but even without it I get really nervous for social events, so I can’t imagine how it must feel for you. But one thing I know is that you’re a brilliant person (why else would I read all your posts?) and I’m sure many others agree with me too. Nothing you say or do will be awful, trust me. I hope you had a wonderful time xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahaha, this is very relatable! I always repeat myself without even realizing it πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Btw, I messaged you on skype, I hope that’s okay πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Jeez, people call this weather nice? I’m literally burning my face off and my tan lines are so messed up, yeah I don’t really liked immerse to makes me feels clammy. Anyways, I’m pretty certain as long as you were being you it probably went awesome/good/okay. I’m right aren’t I? I should be a a fortune-teller.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Mhm hm, maybe not, I tried to read my lil’ brothers thoughts and came up with “food” and he told me he was thinking of guns – kinda worrying that he was thinking of guns but yeah it helped me find out if I can’t read people’s minds then how am I suppose to do their fortunes. I might take up shooting targets with guns instead, my brother was the inspiration xD

        P.S I would actually do that if it didn’t sound so illegal …

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi. I’m also a sufferer of social anxiety and I can really relate to this. You are sooooo not alone. I always have to sit near a door when I go anywhere as that gives me the piece of mind that I can jst up and leave when if I need to. Some of my friends know I suffer from anxiety so they are aware what I’m like! They never use to though. If I felt really anxious I pretended my phone was vibrating and I had to take the call outside, so I never made a scene!
    Also my phone is like a safety net to me if I find myself getting really anxious and panicy I look at inspirational photos and also photos of my children and cats. Maybe play a game! I’ve got a popping bubble wrap app on my phone that’s good 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for leaving a comment! You’ve come up with some really brilliant strategies here: they sound like fab ideas! I often try and sit near a door too; there’s something quite comforting in the ability to leave quickly if necessary. Having your friends know about how you feel is also an awesome measure to have in place. I’ll have to try bubble-popping games – gosh, there really isn’t anything you can’t find on the App Store these days! πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol..no there isn’t. I’m waiting for an app that will be able to clean your house!! πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ I put up a blog yesterday with you in mind it’s called grounding techniques

        Liked by 1 person

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