I know, the blogging break lasted all of about 6 hours, but I needed to write this post: I need to get my feelings down.
The blogging break will resume after this post – sorry for the inconsistency.
The person I’m about to talk about seems to be making frequent appearances on my blog these days. If you’re not familiar with the person who I fell out with around Christmas time, let me briefly summarise:
This ‘friend’, who I trusted whole-heartedly, decided that it would be a brilliant idea to go and tell a lot of people about very personal things to me: depression, self-harm, my sexuality… You get the idea. For some ridiculous reason, I eventually forgave him, and although our friendship was, obviously, not what it was, it existed.
Back to tonight, and I called him around 4:30pm. He seemed a little quiet – down, perhaps -, and started playing a video game whilst I was on the phone. I left, and called back a few hours later, at which point he decided to make heavily sarcastic comments about everything I said. Sure, there is sarcasm which is humourous, but that’s used in a normal conversation; you’re entire side of the discussion cannot be made up of sarcastic comments and, frankly, rude, snappy responses.
Perhaps, if this had happened just for one night, I would be OK. Scrap that – I would be OK; people have bad days, and I understand that from first-hand experience. This, however, is a typical conversation between us two these days: I try and start a conversation, he sarcastically replies and then finds something more interesting, like a video game, to do instead of talking to me.
Tonight, I snapped. I hung up on him without any explanation after he started playing a video game when I was on the phone, and then proceeded to send a rather angry text to him several hours later. All of a sudden, he says I’m being stupid, needy and attention-seeking, and that I’m in the wrong here. Now admittedly, I don’t think that either of us are exactly angels in this situation – I accept that I’m not perfect. But I will not stand for that: being told that it’s completely my fault.
For a bit of context, I’ve helped this ‘friend’ out countless times, with relationships and friendships, and school and university. As friends do, I’ve gone way out of my way to help him, and [initially] would think nothing of it. This was until I finally realised that although I was doing these things for him, the minute I asked to talk about something, the standard text appeared on my phone screen: “I can’t be doing with this right now”.
He said that tonight, when I brought all this up, and I finally lost it, and merely said: “You never can when it’s something that you either don’t want to hear or that doesn’t directly affect you”.
Harsh? Maybe a little, I suppose, but I just feel used. I put 100% into my friendships, to be as good a friend as I possibly can be, and this is what I get in return? Suddenly, even a video game is more important to this person than I am?
I forgave him aftr he did probably the worst thing anyone could have done to me at the time. Of course, I don’t want to use that as some kind of power over him; i’m not that kind of person, and that’s not nice: it’s the past now. Regardless, it’s certainly not out of either of our minds, and I can hardly say that he’s made any particular effort since then. I know it shouldn’t, but it makes me feel terribly upset, not only with him but with myself. I can’t believe that he’s doing this to me, and that I’ve let this happen.
In some ways, I let people use me, because I don’t know how to stand up for myself.
During tonight’s text conversation, he told me that he was ‘a bit down’ today, and gave a reason which I suppose was perfectly valid, and as I say, if this had been just one day, I wouldn’t be thinking twice about any of it. But not only has this stretched on for weeks – months, even -, but he told me in such a way as if to suggest that I should have known this already. Of course I didn’t know any of it, because – news flash – I’m not psychic!
I concluded the conversation stating that I thought it was best if he didn’t contact me for a while: “we’ve both gone too far, I think you’ll agree”. I suggested that this might be indefinite, and I honestly suspect that that will be the case.
Even then he sent a response, stating that I’m blaming him for everything, which although completely goes against my last text, is probably partially true, or at least was at thet moment. His last text was, simly, trying to make me feel guilty, or bad for what I’d said.
I ignored it.
I’m really messed up.
I feel used.
I feel broken.
I feel like I don’t mean anything to anyone, that i’m just someone else to be used whilst I’m useful, and then dispostd of the moment I become worthless.
I’m sorry for such a disjointed, depressing, irrelevant post; I needed to get it off of my chest, and I’m sat here crying because I just don’t know what to do or think or say, or whether I did or thought or said the right things earlier, or last week, or last month, or last year.