How are you? Sorry for not posting yesterday; work got on top of me, and I just had to work flat out to finish everything.
I wanted to talk about stress. I don’t particularly like talking about this, but I’ve noticed that my school have been increasing both the workload and the pressure on me to complete it. I wonder if this is a universal thing; is there generally just more pressure in school now? Regardless, especially over the last week or so, my stress levels have gone higher than they have been in the last year or so, and it’s scary.
I hate feeling stressed. I get a tight feeling in my stomach, my heart rate goes through the roof, I involuntarily start to cry and the pressure in my head increases dramatically, resulting in me not being able to even think my way through things. Last night, for example, I had to prepare two speaking exams: one for English, the other for French. They’re both going to be graded, and will impact my end of year grade, and ultimately my sets for next year. That in itself stressed me out, but not having either of them prepared [because I was ill when they did them in school, and was only told about them on Monday, for Wednesday] just added to all of that, and made me lose it.
Last night, I had a bit of a breakdown. I just ended up on my bedroom floor, in tears, hating myself for being in that position. I hated myself both for being on the floor crying, but also for not doing the work, because I was in the middle of some kind of breakdown. I was sick everywhere, I physically couldn’t move and all I could really do was vomit and cry. That probably lasted for about half-an-hour, from beginning to end, and you know what? I got up afterwards and went straight back to the thing that had started the whole episode. That either proves pure stupidity on my part, or extreme pressure from my school, the latter being the option I presume to be the case.
Stress usually leaves me sleepless too, which of course just adds to my list of problems. Who can sleep when they’re quite literally worried sick about things? And even worse, if you ask me, is the knowledge that I’ll spend all day at school today, to come home to the thing that sent me into that yesterday, which I haven’t been able to finish yet. I would ask for my deadline on one of the tests to be extended, but I’m too scared of being judged by my teacher – them thinking that I’m too lazy to do the work, or not dedicated enough.
I’m sorry for the depressing nature of this; I needed to get this out. The whole post is completely unstructured, really, and I’m sorry about that too.